Fearless Child
Photograph by @domingo_cabrera
Fearless Child
In my previous story, I said that I was diagnosed when I was 20, this isn’t common. Nowadays, children are getting diagnose younger, and younger. My psychiatrist explained to me that I learned to cope with my symptoms. She was impressed. It wasn’t my parents who forced me to go to therapy, it was my who screamed for help. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed help.
I have been showing symptoms of my condition since I was a child. I learned this in therapy, after analyzing my life. I have an excellent memory and what I don’t remember my parents filled the gaps by telling me stories about my youngest years. I remember being fearless. Things that to a regular child scared them to death, to me were extremely exciting.
I had a very dark, morbid, and clear concept about death from a very young age. Suicidal thoughts are a common symptom among bipolar people. Young children don’t understand the concept of death. Especially at the age of 4/5-years-old. But in my case, I was attracted to it. Not all the time, but I had episodes when I didn’t feel energized especially when my routine changed. Structure is extremely important for a bipolar child or adult.
When you are depressed structure keeps you out of your bed. You need to be push before you go down “the rabbit hole” as I call it. Before you are too down. You need more activities, to keep your mind busy, keep the dark thoughts burry, and don’t allow them to take over your body and soul. Or at least this works for me. When I’m hyper (this doesn’t happen often for me) structure also is needed but I need to do less we call it the 1,2,3 per day structure (me and my therapist). This means basically do only 3 things per day, one activity in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening tops. So you don’t overdo it.
When you are hyper-maniac the problem is that you have too much energy. But I will explain this face of the coin on another opportunity.
Back to my childhood. I will never forget or forgive one time I was depressed and my grandmother (my father's mother) noticed it, I don’t remember how old I was, but she told my parents with me in the room “You need to buy that kid a book of self-esteem.” She clearly noticed that something was wrong with me. And I might have a different life if she had spoken with my parents instead of judging me.
I don’t blame my parents for not noticing my symptoms. They both had full-time jobs and I learned how to cope with my symptoms from a young age. They thought I was a wild child when I was a small kid. I had a very vivid imagination. I had a lot of friends in the first building I lived in. From the movies of Disney, I created the most amazing games but also quite dangerous. In more than one opportunity my father reprimanded me for putting not only my life but the life of others in danger.
I was always cover in bruises and scars. The pain wasn’t something that stopped me. Adrenaline was addictive. Even from a very young age. Sexuality was also something that was a curios topic for me. I didn’t understand it when I was young but I was always trying to call the attention of others, and I wanted to be kissed by my girl-friends because at that age girls play with girls and boys with boys. Even though I had the biggest crush on a beautiful blond boy and his older brother that lived also in my building. I still remember them as if was yesterday. He was my first crush.
My mood swings were present but I’m not so sure I don’t remember that well. My mother told me that in kindergarten I punch a boy in the nose because he calls me ugly. Another thing that I found very particular is that when I was a baby my parents tell me that I cried, and cried. It was extremely difficult for me to fall asleep. Once the neighbor called to their door and asked them if they were hurting me. Treated them to call the police because for him it wasn’t normal that a baby cried that much, my parents must be doing something to me for me to cry so much. My parents were desperate. Exhausted for the lack of sleep. My mother told me that he could see the exhaustion on their faces and believed them. Eventually, I calmed down and sleep but they never found a reason why I cried so much.
So I guess even when I was a baby I had a problem sleeping. I still have. One of my medications not only helps me to get my mood swings under control but also helps me fall asleep. Because I can’t really fall asleep on a regular schedule. My body always wants to sleep during the day and stay awake during the night. I don’t really know why. I’m just more creative and active after the sun goes down but this is not healthy for me. If I don’t sleep enough I can trigger depression or a manic episode. Most likely depression because I’m bipolar type 2 but I will explain the types of disorder in the next short story.
I hope this short story helps at least one person. Once again I’m not a psychiatrist but I will do my best to answer any question that anyone has about this story but my recommendation is always to seek professional help!
Zuzu Ramirez CEO Stop Look Share
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